Five Character Flaws of the Fiction Writer

Fiction writers are a conniving, controlling breed. I mean, who else gets to make stuff up for a living (ok, hobby), orchestrate the lives of dozens of people (ok, characters), and hold the fate of nations in their manipulative grasp? Yes, perhaps we have a bit of a god-complex . . . but the blank page is a safe place to work through such issues with the end result (hopefully) being a story worth sharing and an adventure worth taking.

Still, a writer doesn’t create imaginary worlds of chaos and conflict without some of their driving traits spilling over into the real world. THAT’S where things can get a bit dicey. Especially for those family and friends near enough to the writer to get caught in their web of intrigue or hit with their shrapnel. I decided to lay down the potential dangers of relating to us fiction aficionados so those closest to us can’t say they haven’t been warned. Consider this the ‘fine print’ of our relationship!

1). Fiction writers hear voices. Whether it’s our muse or one of our characters that shows up in the middle of dinner, we are prone to sudden changes in temperament when the Voice speaks (and we want to suppress this knowledge to the outside world), sudden changes in subject matter (when we want to see “what happens if” because the Voice gave us an amusing idea), sudden changes in speech (when we directly address the Voice, out loud), and sudden changes in behavior (when we leave the dinner table to scribble what the Voice said in our notebook). 

2). Fiction writers will stare you down. This uncomfortable phenomenon could happen for a variety of reasons. We may have had a fleeting, brilliant thought that we are trying to recapture (which, honestly, has nothing to do with the actual conversation and more to do with said Voices interrupting). You might be reminding us of one of our characters (that may or may not be loosely based on you). You may be saying something that we must remember to add to our story—but we fear you’d frown on the use of recording devices or our blatantly taking notes while we visit—so we intensely stare in hopes of total recall.

3). Fiction writers will steal from you. It may be as subtle and flattering as the use of your name, but we are always on the lookout for material. Your unusual moniker or bizarre birthing experience may find itself within the unfolding drama of our novel. Names are usual changed to protect the innocent, unless of course, we steal the use of your name.

4). Fiction writers make stuff up. This may seem obvious, but I’m not talking about writing mere stories. Writers are probably going to try out “hypothetical” situations on their loved ones at some point. This is not the same as lying. It is for research purposes only. A good fiction writer should provide full coverage for all damages that ensue, as well as a full explanation.

5) Fiction writers lose track of time. The Voices are largely to blame for our running fashionably late (as we see it), forgetting to feed the children (unfortunately there’s not a nice term for this like ‘fashionably neglectful’), and general sleep deprivation as we burn the midnight oil and drain the third pot of coffee. Clean underwear is such a first-world problem when there’s a mutiny on an Amish pirate ship that’s drifted near the lost city of Atlantis, over the Bermuda Triangle. Priorities People!

Whew! Confession is good for the soul. I’m sure I’ve missed a few relational pitfalls here, however. What else needs to be disclosed? Do you have any real life examples of these things? I’d love to hear about it (beware, it may end up being used, in some way, in future stories!)